what a week

you know, sometimes i just want to walk away. well, actually everyday i want to walk away at some point in time. or drive away. just get in my car and drive and keep going. this week was one of those weeks. i often wonder if i have chosen a life that is more stressful than other lives, or if i am just a big baby and i need to grow a pair. i flip flop between the two options, sometimes thinking that my life could be a lot easier if i would have married, oh say, a doctor or an computer genius like my high school crush. they make a lot of money for you and your biggest decision that day is whether to wear paper, denim & cloth jeans with the jimmy choos or skip the jeans altogether and wear the newest betsey johnson frock. (i know that not all doctors wives or geek wives act like this... i am just using these sometimes lucrative professions as an example, people!)
or do i just complain to much? i mean, lots of people's husbands have to leave their wive's birthday dinners early because of suicide calls. or well, tons of ladies walk into church every sunday with a new rumor swirling around about them. don't you stay up till 2 am with the latest college romance break-up casualty, too?
anyway, this week has been particularly stressful. you know it is going to be bad when your son who never ever pukes (i have seen this kid vomit a total of 2 times his whole life) walks into my room and starts whimpering and barfing on my carpet. i still can't figure out what the deal was; he was perfectly fine the rest of the day but he claimed he ate chicken that was sitting out since the night before. (it was impossible but pretty funny that he chose that as his alibi.) we finally made it down to breakfast and at 8am i hear a knock on the door. it happened to be the little neighbor waif (you all have one, i know) and she walked in my front door and stated that she did not have to be home until 9pm! she was here to babysit!
the day got progressively worse as she stole money from my 4 year old's piggy bank, shoplifted at the grocery store, told my kids to lie to me, said she had a twin sister who died 5 weeks ago from cancer, and the worst thing ever, ate those hostess snowball cupcake things IN FRANNY'S BED. i have never seen so many crumbs in my life, and remember, i live with craig and 2 preschoolers. i think i have vacuumed that carpet more times since that incident than i ever have since we moved in here 4.5 years ago. i fed this girl 2 meals and was complaining that she was not the best influence on my kids to craig. he kept telling me that she was just troubled and needed attention. stop complaining, jenah! here's your opportunity, you humanitarian! wasn't he that kid 20 years ago? when craig came home at lunch, however, and saw the "lying in action" he promptly kicked her out.
i bet this girl has asked to come into my house more than a dozen times since that morning (remember, it was only 2 days ago.)
here is my conundrum. what do i do with this kid? if i did not have 2 impressionable angel-lambs soaking up every word this sk8tr grl utters, i would take her in in an instant. she does need attention. she says she is in 7th grade but doesn't look a day older than 11. she's dirty. she wears shirts that say "bratty brunette" and "spoiled rotten" and i see her constantly wandering around with no supervision at all. i have seen this so many times living in inner city chicago. a little attention from me could help this girl out in ways i may never see but would always mean something to her. but what of my own kids? i don't trust her as far as i can throw her and the fact that she took a couple quarters out of a piggy bank doesn't speak much of her moral character.
so here i am, caught. caught between a little girl who needs someone, anyone, and my own kids who are watching my every move. what will it say to them if i let a shady little punk into my house? but will it speak more to them that i wouldn't give her the time of day? believe me, she is NOT babysitting my kids. not now or ever. but what if i let her come over once a week to bake cookies with me or something? i am constantly on the "people matter" bandwagon and i feel like it has come back to kick me in the face. what now, pastor's wife?
i decide to pray. i guess it sounds really cliché, but i love my kids too much to have them hurt by my own "good deeds." i want to help this girl, but i also want my home to be a place of love and safety for my children. i really never thought the ministry would make me choose between needy neighborhood kids and my own kids. so, malin and aiden, i hope that someday you read this blog and realize that your mom did not have it all together and i struggle to know what is best for you. sometimes i don't know how to relate to the world around me. so maybe my life is as stressful as other people's lives. i guess not only pastor's wives struggle in how to relate to the world around them.
huh.